August 10, 2010
Posted in Leslie's Journey, The Surviving Project on 2:06 pm
August 10, 2010 at 7:13 pm
At some point I became a face of pain, and an easy target. While my family continues to try to find not only the will to go on, but as we also try to find a new direction in each of our lives….we have consistent mail, calls, etc… that remind us of the stigma of suicide and just exactly how hateful some people can be.
I did not raise my son to commit suicide. I raised him to the best of my ability to be independent, loving, responsible and a stand up member of the family and society. I raised all four of my children the same, nothing different with Fred. I urged each of them to be their own person in their own unique ways.
Is this wrong? Is this the recipe of suicide and I am left to blame? Is it now, that we have had a suicide within the 6 of us, that we are all programmed the same? Will the cycle continue? Is it true that my family is only to be ostracized now….because what I have instilled in my children and because what is important to me….is actually deadly? Is it really contagious?
I am appalled and sickened by comments and actions of others towards me and this circle of 5 by some…while at the same time humbled, and brought to tears by the love of some of our friends. Moving to the other side of the street when seeing me or sending letters of hate only makes this process harder to understand and harder to deal with. I am not contagious.
Chris and I look for moments away from our pain. The constant reminders are hard and make living difficult. We continue to try and sell the bar, having it listed with an agent, and we look forward to being able to move forward at some point. Daily it is a struggle right now, and where some think it should be easing up—it has actually become increasingly painful and overwhelming in the past month. I really believe that after some of the initial shock wears off – you start to feel pain…and then as the shock is totally gone, you are standing there fully exposed and reliving the trauma over and over in your head constantly through the day.
Maybe some of those that are hateful, do not intend to be. I don’t know. Maybe they are in pain watching us in pain so they want us to snap out of it. Or maybe they just do not know what to say, and they actually think they are helping.
All I can say is that I try the best I can. I fail daily at some things, and accomplish others. I don’t make a lot of money but still try to keep on going. I sometimes trust too much and then other times, not enough. Basically, I have never let many people in my life outside of my husband and kids. When I tried, I was burned. Bad. By some of the same ugly tongues wagging right now. A friend is hard to come by in this life, and the ones that I have…I have for a reason.
For those that think that we raised our kids to quit, give up, check out and commit suicide…you do not know us. You know nothing about my family or the situation. You did not know Fred. And for the asshole that says, Oh I could have predicted that one…take a look at my pictures on my profile of our family. Look at Fred’s smile. You, my friend, also know nothing about us or the situation.
My heart breaks everyday, for my son and my family and myself……and my heart breaks for those that can be so hateful to a family full of love to give.
Leslie is the mother of 4 adult children with one of the 4 recently lost to suicide. She is a suicide survivor. Leslie is a writer, certified computer network admin and desktop/web development support tech. She has experience with addiction counseling and has prided herself to be a general go to person for anything that needs fixing or figuring out. She worked in corporate America and then dropped out to form her own businesses, which she has since sold. Leslie is the founder of The Surviving Project and now devotes her work time and skills to assisting those left to survive after a suicide or any other complicated grief. Leslie is the proud Grandmother of her lost son's two daughters and her youngest daughters son….and she has a fourth grandbaby on the way!
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I also wanted to say, my brother recently committed suicide a month ago. He was going through a lot of struggles in his life. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, lost the job he had so much pride in, went through a divorce, and daily struggles of not being able to see his kids as often as he would have liked. It looked like everything was falling into place and he was getting his life back on track to where he wanted it to be or so we thought. This took us all by surprise and it has hurt our family dearly but what gets me through this is knowing God picked my brother to take home with him to give him the peace he needed. As my six year old says, he is smiling down on us. I talk to him everyday and I know he can hear me. He is able to see his kids everyday and watches over them. I will be praying for you and your family..
Thank you so much, I will be thinking of you and please drop me an email anytime. labeery@thesurvivingproject.com
I came across your blogs late last night and woke up to start reading more. This is as far as I’ve gotten. I just wanted to say, no one should judge a person that committed suicide or their family. Until they walk in their shoes, they don’t know what that person was going through internally. Were they thinking of their family when they committed the act? Possibly….maybe they thought it was easier than their kids living with a father who was deeply depressed or a father who was living a lie that he was happy, always faking a smile.
I most confidently think that my son was NOT thinking of his family (his Mom, Dad, brother and sisters) when he died by suicide that night. There are questions that I will ask for the rest of my life…it will be a constant struggle to understand and come to some peace. This has changed all of us. His presence was huge in our lives and his absence is equally huge. I am glad you found this site and hope you read more. Hugs for you.
Leslie