I am not sure why but it feels good to be able to kind of “journal” here. I think people can hide my updates if they are sick of listening or reading from the sad lady but it does help me. I have so many people calling and coming by, it is a way to just touch base and let them all know where I am at I guess. I will stop soon I promise, but I am not there yet. Today I am in disbelief, mostly replaying things in my head. I am trying to figure out if this was planned for a while or sudden decision. Trying to replay everything and look for signs, comments, conversations, events, behavior, etc.. that should have been a clue to me. Mostly I am beating myself up again today. Chris is going to find a counselor for the family to go to, maybe to get some help in where to go from here for all of us. I feel like I am the big mess of the family right now and just getting further and further behind in everything I should be doing. But all of that seems like a different life that is not mine. Fred’s calls everyday and being here at any moment he could is what I am sitting around waiting for. I find myself sitting in the kitchen, waiting. Then I try to figure out what I am waiting for and it all comes back to Fred. I hear a car and I look for Fred and think he is pulling up. I walk around aimlessly and I find myself just saying “oh, Fred”. Then I sit and stare at the floor and try to put myself in the place where Fred must have been, complete heartbreak. I work myself into such a sadness and depression that the only thing I can do is go to bed and hope I fall asleep…and I have done all this by ten in the morning. When I am supposed to be sleeping, at night, I can’t. I just walk around, again like I am looking for something in the house, but not sure what. I contemplate giving up a lot but then I think maybe Fred would not have wanted that. I don’t know. I have so much in my life with the other three kids and Chris but I feel like this has ruined me. I don’t know if I can be a good Mom anymore and I am scared that I love all of them too much. If that makes any sense at all. This hurts. This is the most I have ever hurt in my entire life and I hope no one ever has to go through this again on this earth. Being close to people is hard, mostly out of fear of rejection or disappointment. But living your life around someone and then for them to commit suicide, without warning or sign, I am not strong enough for this. I know you don’t understand fully if you are actually reading this….and I don’t even know who I am talking to or why. I have no definition of what this is all supposed to look like or how it is to play out. My life is nothing now and I just feel absolutely broken and ruined.
Adama Yocam I’m praying for you and your family Leslie.
April 21
Sarah Jane Beery I love you mommy
April 21
Jessica Hasten Thinking of all of you. I knwo you will get through this.
April 21
Tonya S Richardson Friends are always willing to listen……..
April 21
Dawn Box Givens I think it’s good therapy for you to write these things and share them, it, in a sense, “releases it” from you so it’s not locked up inside any more. Just always remember, that God is walking alongside you, whenever you feel alone remember that. It’s hard now, but in time you will see it.
April 21
Kelly Iiams I agree with Dawn 100%. Good advice!
April 21
Adama Yocam I agree with everything Dawn says!  If it’s therapeutic for you then keep writing!
April 21
William Sturgeon Again my prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family.
April 21
Marcia Gibson You are jounaling,,,,,it helps relieve some of your thoughts and the pain…..I have been journaling for years….it is theraputic-not only for you but for us to be able to be there for you!
April 21
Paul Failing You keep posting, Leslie.  I don’t believe anyone will put your journaling on ignore, I know I won’t….
April 21
Victoria Ryan Leslie you keep writing if that’s what you need to do. Seeking a counselor might be a good idea. It is going to take sometime. I know its your son which means so much more. The first year my mom was gone was the hardest year. My mom has been gone for 3 years now and you know what I still have her phone number on my cell. I know she is gone and the phone has been disconnected for years. I just haven’t deleted from cell. Maybe because I just haven’t come to terms with being gone. I don’t know. Just can’t delete yet.  You guys have hit a huge bump in the road. Hold together has a family, be strong for each other, time and love and faith will help. I wish I had some words to help you.
April 21
Annette Campbell Koloscha Leslie you just keep on posting as long as you need to if brings you some comfort. I won’t hide it and I’ll bet no one else does either.
April 21
Dawn Wiseman Shepherd Please keep posting leslie. That is what you need to do to help you through this. No one knows why people end there lives. He seemed  so happy, and he may not have given signs. You gave him all the love that you could possibly give. therapy would be a great idea. I can talk to Dr. baker at work and see if he can see you guys or if he can suggest someone. You are never alone through this. we will be praying for you hon.
April 21
Mary Shields You be the sad lady for as long as you need to be-we are sad right beside you-
April 21
Jebbi Maguire Love you woman.  I think the Journal is a wonderful idea.  I still have the first Journal that you ever gave me Leslie, and then one day, I saw Oprah tell everyone to start writing in one, I said “Phhhsshhhh” Leslie already told me about that.  I think you should do it wherever, however, and whenever you need to.  You keep writing, posting, whatever it takes….we love you and are thinking about you, and praying for you and Fred and the family.
April 21
Alexis Emily Brown Leslie, you are an awesome mom. It’s okay to feel like a mess. It is okay that things are not okay, if that makes any sense. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Take some time off and take care of yourself.
Parents losing a child is not something that I can totally comprehend since I have no children, so I feel lost in how to comfort you and Chris. I’ve also never lost a sibling, and so I feel lost in how to comfort Grant and Sarah and Tracey. I worry about all of you.
One thing though: please please stop beating yourself up. It is not your fault. You probably don’t believe me, but it’s not. Fred was a wonderful person who was probably in a lot of pain, but a lot of people who are depressed get really, really good at hiding it… the signs, the symptoms, everything. I’ve had major depressive disorder for 13 years and there are people that still have no idea how deep it actually goes.  I can imagine how much he was hurting to get to a place where dying was the only way out because I’ve been at that point. My heart broke when I heard that he was gone.
Your post sounds like what I tell people about him being gone (except yours goes much deeper): “There’s a Fred- shaped hole in the world. And it hurts.”
I’m praying for all of you. If you need anything, let one of the Brown army know and we will help. And keep posting! We’re all here for you.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
April 21
Melinda Ball Risner I think that if you find anything that helps, go for it. If people get sick of reading, then they probably are not worth having as a friend/acquaintance anyway. God be with you.
April 22, 2010 at 7:17 am