April 25, 2010

I do not know who I am now. I know I am not the same, I do not feel the same, but I am mostly confused and lost. At night I sit up and stare straight ahead, sometimes looking but more often just flipping between blame, sadness, anger, confusion and the whole time being desperately broken. I really do not think I can endure this pain. I have some good moments, but I think they are fake and just a way for me to cover the real me so I do not make anyone uncomfortable. That only lasts so long though, and then it all crashes in around me. I will probably go inward with this, just because that is what I do in times of pain. I find it easier to pretend to be ok. Maybe that is what Fred found easier also with his pain. I feel like a burden to everyone around me and I do not see it getting any better anytime soon. Fact of the matter is, I did not save my son. I did not realize or recognize the enormity of his pain in his situation. I knew the situation was seriously sad and we were all upset for his heart breaking like it was but thought he was seriously starting a new life and was going to be able to make the adjustment of a new place and possibly getting divorced, sharing responsibility of the girls. He had plans for his future and his new apartment was absolutely beautiful. We all talked to Fred on numerous occasions, giving him support and letting him know that we were all here for him to help in any way. I wrote the other day about being stuck at Easter, the day before he died. That weekend like every weekend before was full of Fred’s smile, laughter, sense of humor, hugs, love, snoring, laundry and absolute peace just having him here. I think about asking him one last time, Are you ok? And I wish he would have told me No…and let me know of his thoughts of dying. Since April 5th, I won’t lie to you, I have had thoughts of dying as well. This pain is more than I can bear at times and the guilt of not being successful in helping Fred in the ultimate failure as a mother in my eyes. I do not feel like I can be a good mother to my other three kids now that I failed this big. I have made mistakes in the past, big ones. But nothing that compares to the mistake and failure of this. Why would my kids even want to be around me anymore, or my husband. Why would Sophia and Vivian want to be around me, a sad failure as a mother. Why would anyone want their kids around me at all? People have put focus on me and given me support, love and attention that is undeserving. How could a mother not figure this out about their own child, especially when I talked to him everyday. What the hell is wrong with me. Maybe some that just stare at me and don’t speak are thinking I am horrible. Maybe they think I deserve to die also. I just spent Friday and Saturday working at the bar and really do not remember much of it. I thought mostly of how the weekend before Fred died, how he was at the pool hall with me those nights. Playing snooker with me, playing music, rearranging my icons on my computer and loading songs that were downright silly. Fred loved to rename my icons, move things and put crazy backgrounds on my computers. It was like leaving the mark that he was there. Now every step I take inside the bar just triggers all those memories of him spending time with me. He loved that we had Mtn Dew on the fountain, found my DJ’ing software entertaining, looked for things to repair and help with, made sure people were following rules and pointed out stuff to me and always stood by me when someone started giving me crap. I sat there last night doing music for our customers and constantly cried off and on all night. His mark is everywhere, I cannot move one inch without Fred tugging at me, pulling at my heart. I walk by the snooker table and I will never be able to play again, I cannot even touch the table. I walk into the kitchen at the bar and hear his laughs while we are trying to decide how many chicken wings Fred would have to eat to equal one piece of regular chicken. I can smell him, hear him, feel him. I want him to come home but he won’t now. I just don’t want to do this, it should have been me and not Fred.