April 27, 2010

Today was the first counseling session for Chris and I. I am glad I did not pursue the job of Psychologist with my degree. I could never sit across from someone and not just cry with them. And to tell the truth, the seriousness was kind of distracting in a way – like maybe I was being too emotional or something. But by the end of the 90 minutes I really didn’t care what she thought. I do realize now though that I am officially on suicide watch. Today was one of those weird days, everything seemed to be overly intense. The teapot was too loud, the roofers were too messy, the apples were too mushy, my hair was far too gray, and my heart was hurting along with my stomach – almost throbbing in unison. My ulcer is back, which is evidence that I hold a lot in and carry it with me. Nothing new, it has been there pretty much since high school and I just have to eat a lot of Rolaids. Mostly I am overwhelmed. I don’t really know how I am supposed to function right now. Stuff is piling up around me, bills, school work, info for the real estate agent, the business books, etc… I just cannot concentrate to do anything. I sleep in about 15 – 30 minute intervals and then stare at the ceiling for a couple hours, get up walk around, think of everything I should do and then get exhausted with heartbreak and responsibility up to my eyelids. I feel selfish. My husband and my kids are going through the same thing I am right now but all I can focus on is my pain and not knowing what the hell to do. I thought counseling today I would walk away with something, but instead Chris and I walked out of there both as lost as when we went in. On the way there we did not talk at all and then on the way home we did not talk much either. Mostly on the way home I was thinking about the parents in the world that do not love their kids. The one’s that give them away, abuse them, abandon them, or just plain never connect with them. I was wondering how they would deal with their son committing suicide. Would they care? Would they cry? I don’t think I ever really understood how much my husband loves me till this past Sunday. I was in that dark place, a place where I just wanted to die right along side my son. My husband knew this and listening to him on the phone make his way through his managers at work, panicking, and listening to his words and tears – I now do not doubt that Chris Beery loves me. I did have doubts, for more than 23 years, off and on. Being a mom is something that you accept responsibility for when you decide to become a parent. A Mom is not the same as just being a parent…it is filled with more than parental responsibilities. Mom’s are glue that holds everything together in a family. It is just how we are programmed and it is our instinct if we allow it to take us over. Years and years of making things happen and fixing what is broken etches memories in our kids minds and teaches them to be good Mom’s and Dad’s when it is their turn. I have tried my best to be a good Mom. Even to those that were not my blood but instead a permanent fixture in my house, friends of my kids. I still was the Mom. I have loved being a Mom all these years, it was the one thing that I did well at most all of the time. I was their protector from people and things that were negative or confusing. And I tried to introduce them to basic values while they were establishing their own set of what is important, and in which order. Maybe I am too liberal, maybe I was too giving in some cases and not giving enough in other situations but it was how I wanted to raise my kids to be independent thinkers and smart. Chris and I talked a long time ago, before they were even school age, that our kids will grow into individuals…different from us and making decisions that would raise our eyebrows. We decided then, when they were toddlers/babies that we as parents would never shut our kids out of our lives because of a decision they made or path they chose. It would not happen in our family. Too often you hear of people that have not talked to their parents in years because they disowned them. I could not imagine that pain. Living and not loving your child because of a stupid little something in the way. Thank god we never did that to our kids, we let them make their own decisions and we raised four amazing people that way. The therapist, counselor, whatever she is called wants to see us again tomorrow and on Saturday. She is concerned about us and our family. I am not sure what I can say tomorrow that will be different from today, maybe she will have different questions. Maybe she will teach us something. Tracey is going to check out some books for me from the library where she works tomorrow also, I think I need to read something about what I should be doing also. I need to find a will to go on or at least something to grasp on to.