April 30, 2010 at 2:39 am
I had to get rid of the flowers in our house. One minute they would remind me of Fred bringing flowers over for Mother’s Day or calling and reminding me that Mother’s Day was coming up and the tradition is for us all to plant flowers in my garden on that day. The next minute the flowers just reminded me of why they were there, sympathy. Several times I walked through the living room only to catch the strong smell of the flowers and it would hit me – it smelled just like the mortuary room where the viewing was held. And then just looking at those flowers, still alive but not holding on very well….reminded me that they were dying. So, all remaining live flowers in vases have been taken out of the house. A solicitor came to our door yesterday evening, which I thought was against ordinance in Wiggins except for little kids doing fundraisers for scouts and school, but this guy was insistent on selling me life insurance. I froze, could not speak and then finally found the words to say, “This is not a good time.” He said, “Yeah, I was going to ask maybe this is not a great time.” Life insurance. I wish that meant more than it actually does. As a Mom, I would buy insurance to protect and give me peace of mind that all of my children would stay alive….and live. A policy that stated that the insured would remain living, stay happy and lead an amazing life well past mine and only die of old age and natural causes when their time had come. But that will never happen and anyway it is too late. Instead we as humans have “free will”. I had a dream that made me wake up and not be able to go back to sleep at all night before last. I was an adult and it was after Fred’s service. We were back in Wiggins and Tracey was sitting in our living room while other people, faceless, were roaming around the house talking. A woman came into the house and spoke to Tracey. This woman was familiar to me, then she turned and looked at me and I knew instantly who it was, my piano teacher from elementary and jr high school age. I knew her name and asked Tracey if her name was XXXX XXXXXXX. Tracey said, yes that IS her name. I ran out of the house behind her, yelling her name but she never turned around, did not hear me. She walked onto a school bus and drove away while I was still yelling her name then I woke up. For the entire rest of the day that day after that dream I was bothered by it, I thought it was absolutely bizarre. Probably the strangest dream so far after Fred’s death has been the dream where I am obviously in pain about Fred being gone, nothing said in the dream, just a feeling. In this dream I try to step forward and the ground becomes sand at times or water at other times. In this dream I am talking to people, trying to tell them something, but they either cannot hear me or understand what I am saying and the whole time laughing at my feet that are now gone and beneath the floor. I look down and my legs start to disappear as well while I try to scream. I can feel myself trying to scream but something is wrong with my throat and then I wake up. After I woke up I could feel that I was probably trying to scream, and then of course could not go back to sleep. This is my typical night. I go to sleep, wake up every 15 or 20 min while falling back to sleep a couple times –then I have a disturbing dream, wake up and cannot go back to sleep at all. This was not supposed to happen. Tonight my dream was short and scared the hell out of me. I dreamt that it was a mistake, he was alive and I ordered his cremation, I signed the paper. Right before I woke up I saw Fred in what I imagine his last moments of life. I just want to fix it and make it go away. As easily as Fred took his own breath from his body and stopped his life…I want to put all of that breath back inside of him and wake him up. I am struggling with this obviously but also struggling with maybe I should have made some progress. Where am I supposed to be in this process? Am I just now the biggest bummer of a person on the face of the earth. Has this absolutely ruined me beyond repair?