August 10, 2010 at 7:13 pm
At some point I became a face of pain, and an easy target. While my family continues to try to find not only the will to go on, but as we also try to find a new direction in each of our lives….we have consistent mail, calls, etc… that remind us of the stigma of suicide and just exactly how hateful some people can be.
I did not raise my son to commit suicide. I raised him to the best of my ability to be independent, loving, responsible and a stand up member of the family and society. I raised all four of my children the same, nothing different with Fred. I urged each of them to be their own person in their own unique ways.
Is this wrong? Is this the recipe of suicide and I am left to blame? Is it now, that we have had a suicide within the 6 of us, that we are all programmed the same? Will the cycle continue? Is it true that my family is only to be ostracized now….because what I have instilled in my children and because what is important to me….is actually deadly? Is it really contagious?
I am appalled and sickened by comments and actions of others towards me and this circle of 5 by some…while at the same time humbled, and brought to tears by the love of some of our friends. Moving to the other side of the street when seeing me or sending letters of hate only makes this process harder to understand and harder to deal with. I am not contagious.
Chris and I look for moments away from our pain. The constant reminders are hard and make living difficult. We continue to try and sell the bar, having it listed with an agent, and we look forward to being able to move forward at some point. Daily it is a struggle right now, and where some think it should be easing up—it has actually become increasingly painful and overwhelming in the past month. I really believe that after some of the initial shock wears off – you start to feel pain…and then as the shock is totally gone, you are standing there fully exposed and reliving the trauma over and over in your head constantly through the day.
Maybe some of those that are hateful, do not intend to be. I don’t know. Maybe they are in pain watching us in pain so they want us to snap out of it. Or maybe they just do not know what to say, and they actually think they are helping.
All I can say is that I try the best I can. I fail daily at some things, and accomplish others. I don’t make a lot of money but still try to keep on going. I sometimes trust too much and then other times, not enough. Basically, I have never let many people in my life outside of my husband and kids. When I tried, I was burned. Bad. By some of the same ugly tongues wagging right now. A friend is hard to come by in this life, and the ones that I have…I have for a reason.
For those that think that we raised our kids to quit, give up, check out and commit suicide…you do not know us. You know nothing about my family or the situation. You did not know Fred. And for the asshole that says, Oh I could have predicted that one…take a look at my pictures on my profile of our family. Look at Fred’s smile. You, my friend, also know nothing about us or the situation.
My heart breaks everyday, for my son and my family and myself……and my heart breaks for those that can be so hateful to a family full of love to give.