August 17, 2010

Minutes just drag along.  Not sure what to do and never knowing what to feel.  I kick my own ass every once in a while…I guess in an attempt to get up and do basics. I watch the clock while I obsess over pictures, emails, memories, books, and even clothing.  I smell him, I hear him, I sometimes feel like I can just touch him and try to reach out in front of me.

So I am officially going crazy or already gone.  She is 100% ruined.  Note it here, she walks steps, over and over looking for her son…looking for his things, remembering things he touched.  I am probably drinking too much also, mostly to forget, but also I guess to try and just feel something.  I stare at folders he created on the computer.  Last one, Friday night-April 2nd at 10:16:07. I just stare at the computer itself, he and I built it together.  I stare at the keyboard, his hands touched it.  I stare at the Snooker table and the pool tables….he and I played Friday and Saturday night before he died on Monday. I stare at the walls and wonder what he thought of me as a mother, wonder if he loved me or if I was a pain in the ass to him.  I smell his clothes, they smell exactly the smell that he would smell when he came in from playing outside and threw his arms around my neck…the smell of sunshine.  I torture myself, I know.  But it is all I know what to do right now.  I am destroying myself, and that is probably my plan and maybe even beyond repair. But that, also is all I know how to do right now.  I am scared of forgetting any tiny detail of anything regarding my son.  I feel that people around me are forgetting him and I don’t want Fred to be lost forever.  I am trying to keep him alive, since I could not save his life and put breath back into his body…

I may not make it through this, and that is ok.  I love my kids and I love my husband and I have tried my best at everything put in front of me.  Everything just keeps getting worse in my life.