February 2, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Loneliness can happen in a room full of people. Believe me, it happens to me all the time. Watching smiles, listening to laughter, hearing stories and good news….it gets overwhelming. When our kids became adults and moved into their lives away from home…it was lonely. Working at jobs I did not enjoy and owning businesses that did not “do it” for me took up time, but did not fill the hole. Now finally we will free up time by selling the last business….and Fred is not here.
I feel like I have not only short changed myself, but my family. Work is important of course, but the conflicting schedules with working weekends and nights made it so we missed virtually everything to do with family. Now it will change but I cannot stop being fearful. Will Chris and I get along ok? Has our marriage been stuck together for all this time by either raising kids or working? What will happen when we do not have either? And then on the other hand…I have not been a part of things and now if I just start showing up to stuff will I be accepted by our families? Do they even want us or me around? I have stayed very close to my kids through all this time, they have been a constant, but others I feel do not know me.
I cannot believe how losing our son has spiraled my life into a black hole. Losing a child is indescribable, I do not think anyone can really know this pain and this uncertainty of life after it happens unless you have it happen. Then for this to happen to a suicide, I cannot tell you the emotion and guilt. People avoid us and at times I think we avoid each other. It breaks everything….absolutely everything that was real and working in your life.
If I knew what to do with myself other than throw myself into work…that may help. I try to avoid conversations and situations that are going to hurt, but they follow me and disrupt when least expected or when absolutely inappropriate. I don’t understand why people just disappear when you need them the most. I don’t understand why people don’t try and understand and help but I really have a hard time understanding anything anymore. Nothing makes sense.