In the next few weeks my life will yet again take a huge turn.  Yes, I am scared to death.  Last Friday’s events at our business were the validation that I am making the right decision but still a bit frightening.

In the past months I have changed, I can feel it.  I pick and choose very spontaneously what I will and will not do.  I try to shield myself from emotions until they absolutely cripple me.  I get up in the mornings when my husband leaves so that I can sit in the living room and cry for a good three hours before I see anyone.  I wander the house and “remember”.  Part of me is so stuck and then I turn around and try to dig out each day the best I can.  Making people believe you are ok is not very hard when they want you to be ok.

Do I go left, or right, or just stay in the middle?  I have no idea what to do at this point.

I have dreams of things that I have wanted to do for years….I get excited about them but then think to myself, “What’s the point?”  I wait for the next big bomb to drop on my life, just expecting tragedy and bad news.  I dont sleep a full night without waking to a nightmare or dream about Fred.  My mind drowns in grief and sorrow for my son while my body and my heart try like hell to stay alive.

This inner conflict is not good for trying to decide what to do with your life….especially at 45 years old.  What the hell do I want to be when I grow up???  No clue.

Selling the bar has been a good distraction since it has required me to write a training manual (which I offered but was not required), an operations manual (same), publish a cd with any document/flyer/graphic etc..that I have used for both the bar and MoJo’s in the last ten years.  I have a huge box of stuff that actually goes overboard for these buyers…but it really has kept me somewhat busy.

So, the closing comes and goes…we sell the place….we have time together finally….  What if I fail at that too?  Maybe without being extremely blinding busy I will fall apart?

Self motivation and self discipline are pretty key in life, no matter what you are doing.  Keeping ourselves in check, reviewing what is meaningful and what is pathetically sucking our life away.  So my next phase in life needs to be beautiful.  It needs to involve smiles, beautiful things, happiness, and positive reinforcements.

As I continue to struggle through all this each day I continue to hear of more and more people that die needlessly, by accident…by suicide…taken too early from all of us.  It deeply affects me, like nothing I could have understood before losing my own son.  Each life lost, I grieve for them and their families as well.  I will get to the point where I can reach out, but now I just freeze, and remain frozen not knowing what to do.

At some point I will need to get better about going places.  I had a safety zone, my home – my business – and start over at my home again.  I cannot become prisoner of my home, I have to figure it out.  We will start out small….not pushing too hard and not expecting too much, but again it is frightening.

What a jumble mess of messiness in my head anymore.  Scared that everyone knows that my son has died by suicide, and they stare and judge.  Continuing to wonder why, and what could I have done different, and was I the reason.  Watching people that have forgotten him, swept him aside.  Wondering what is next all the time.  Scared for anyone to drive, leave, be sick, etc….  Feeling that this has ruined me and really fucked up my head in the process….but somewhere still fighting to get out.