I tend to make things tough on myself, I have been that way my whole life.  Whether I am critiquing myself or putting myself in hard situations, I find that trust is NOT something I can easily do.   I don’t really trust myself for various reasons and that leads to not trusting others.

Trust is hard.  You blindly give it to some people, without even thinking and you absolutely give it to your family without a second thought.  People stomp on it, abuse it, don’t respect it, don’t even think about it sometimes.  And that leaves us feeling hurt.

My oldest daughter had her baby shower this weekend.  It was a wonderful occasion, lots of smiles and a day full of great memories.  She will be having a little girl soon, another beautiful grandchild.  On the way home from the shower I allowed my mind to wander while driving, which is something that I have found during my grief — is a dangerous thing.  At first my mind just played a slide show of pictures of great moments, having my babies, raising them, taking them to school, having birthdays, etc..  Then I focused on the fact that we give everything to our children when they come into our lives.  We give them unconditional love and unconditional trust.  Both are tested frequently as a parent but you never really give basic trust a second thought.

I trusted that my son would respect the life and breath that I gave him.

So what happens when someone abuses our trust?  I am guilty of abusing trust and leaving others feeling hurt.  I am guilty of abusing my parents trust, my sibling, my husband, my children.  So what makes it so hard for me to trust, since I have not been that wonderful example?

I trusted at a young age and was betrayed.  I trusted as a spouse and was betrayed.  I trusted as a mother and was betrayed.  It hurts, it is painful and at times it is unbearable and the worst feeling of rejection.  So when it happens personally do people just want to divert or spread pain?  I don’t know the answer to that but when you are hurt deeply it is hard to trust again, ever.

Do our loved ones, lost to suicide, lose all trust because of betrayals?  Do they lose trust in themselves and those around them?  Is trust connected to hope?

We all have friendships that work in our lives.  These are people we trust and people that we enjoy being around.  A friendship works as a two-way highway just like any other relationship in our lives. At times we give, at times we take.  I find that I do not trust myself in friendships..I feel as though I take too much right now and am not giving enough.  I feel that way in all my relationships, not a giver.  Grief shuts you off emotionally in many areas of life.  Emotionally you are exhausted and focused on the death that has occurred.  You are pained and feeling empty.  At times you are numb and just want to feel anything.  That is how I am, exhausted, focused, pained, empty and numb.  Just wanting to feel anything.  It is almost as if someone took away part of me, like I am gone.

I can’t trust myself now.  I cannot trust that I will make right decisions and I cannot trust that some others are not on their own agenda.  I don’t want to get too close to anyone and be disappointed.  I don’t want to blindly trust again, and lose another limb.

I react and do things now to try to become connected back to life.  I want to feel and I have hope of getting back to a good place.  I mourn for my loss of my son and the fact that my family will never be the same again.  I mourn for the fact that I will never be the same again.  I look for guidance in those around me and I look for protection.  I look for that one shining light, that one positively beautiful thing that will keep me balanced and help to lay the new bricks of love, trust, and hope.

 

TRUST

Trust should be like the feeling of a one-year-old baby. When you throw him
in the air, he laughs… because he knows you will catch him; that’s Trust.

HOPE

Every night we go to bed, we have no assurance to get up alive in the next
morning but still we make plans for the coming day; that’s Hope.