July 15, 2010 at 4:56 am

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh,” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”” Sitting next to someone, not speaking, just enjoying their presence. That is something I can do with my family, my kids and my husband. Frequently though it is not silent, because we have so much to talk about and share with each other. None of us are big television watchers, which is nice because the tv is never on when we get together or hang out. Matter of fact, the tv has not been on in weeks here at this house – just not something we do. This gives us all that 100% attention time, no distraction. I love it. To be involved in any support or help group to provide advocacy I need to be a survivor of 18 months or more beyond Fred’s suicide. I am ok with that, and I certainly understand the need for that space in time. These first months have been extreme and intense. Not only with feelings of my own suicide but also with feelings that this is something I will never be able to discuss without falling apart. Chris and I cannot explain or help anyone understand what it is like to lose a child to suicide, we are trying to navigate ourselves and each other through the dark waters of it now. We can only say that this is the hardest thing we have ever been through in our lives and the last thing we ever expected to happen to our family. I need to do something surrounding writing, advocating, supporting, educating….I am still trying to figure out what that will be in the future, and I am trying to make as few decisions right now as possible. Our business is a distraction for us, from reality, but also a hindrance in healing. Working is good for both of us and we have both poured ourselves into work, maybe too much. Our lives have changed, forever. What may have interested us before, some of it does not. What seemed important to do and get done at one time, not so much today. Priorities have shifted for both Chris and I, some seem aligned while others are lagging. Our pain comes out differently, our grieving is different, and we fall apart at different times. It feels as though you are going through this alone at times, because you are trying your hardest to respect the grieving of each other. Pretty much could not sleep last night. Finally just got out of bed at 3am. Today we pick up Sophia and Vivian and will have them until Monday night. In August we will start having them regularly all week, getting ready for school schedule. As I have said one hundred times before, it helps to have them here. On my keyboard, while I type this mangle mess of thoughts, I have a bookmark. It was Fred’s bookmark that I gave him inside a book one year for a gift. He left it here, along with some other things when he moved out for college. The bookmark says “Never, never, never quit – Winston Churchill” I look at it now and wish it could have been permanently attached to Fred’s arm, so he could see it continuously as I do now. I cannot believe he is gone. Tracey said Denial is a dirty trick and I agree. Everyday it seems I try to function inside some type of denial, to get something done, then I stand still long enough…or sit still long enough and fall apart at the realization of my reality. Dirty trick indeed. I want my son home, and I cannot have him. He is gone and I will never experience new experiences with him, he won’t see what we see and won’t feel the arms of his babies around his neck anymore. This breaks my heart every day, even when I think it is crushed and broken beyond breaking anymore…..the sadness hits in a stomach wrenching, knock the wind out of me, mind circling in confusion kind of way. It is all emotional that is so intense that it instantly becomes physical. We are waiting for Tracey’s baby to arrive in a few weeks, a new grandson, our third grandchild. His middle name will be Frederick, named after his Uncle, Tracey’s brother. I cannot wait for this baby to arrive and pray that it goes well for Tracey and Casey. Grant will be coming out to Wiggins soon, that is also another thing to look forward to. And Sarah is happy, that is something to be very thankful for. Why can’t it be that easy, list out your blessings and things to be thankful for….and you become happy and content. All I can do is focus on one thing at a time, because beyond what is right in front of me….it gets lost. People are silent pretty much now, no visits and less and less asking how we are. I would assume that is normal and just how this goes…..but it doesn’t mean we have changed in our lives at all. Where they came and saw us sitting at our table, a mess – we are still there. Where they left us, standing at the door, asking questions….we are still asking. Chris and I rely on each other in some many ways…and some are just unspoken. We know that the grief does not go away, the memories are right on the edge of our mind waiting to turn on the faucet attached to our eyes. We both understand the questions that never leave our mind and the pain in doing the simplest of things, because our son was so huge in our life. He touched every aspect of how we live. Chris and I are trying to hold together whatever we have left in our lives, trying to hold on to what we have….remember what we have lost and find a way to rebuild all of it together and exist. The hateful people in the world do not understand, and maybe when they grieve in their lives it turns to more anger? I don’t know. Maybe they never lose? I don’t understand why this had to happen to our family. I would not wish it on anyone….but why us. Why Fred, why his girls?