July 20, 2010 at 8:42 am
In order to get through the death of my son, I am finding the need to throw away anything excess in my life and only keep what is truly needed and wanted by me. I love my family, my friends, my granddaughters, my Mom, my brother, my nephews, my extended sisters, step sisters, step brother, step father…my husband, my sons, my daughters, my Aunts and Uncles and all of my in-laws. It is hard work loving a lot of people in your life sometimes. I do not know if any of them even remotely like me, but I don’t care, because I love them and I am not going to be shy about it. In some relationships we try to be cool, lay it all back and not come on too strong. Screw that. If I love you, watch out. It may not come right away but it will happen in some way, at some time…my love will be absolutely annoying and overwhelming. As a friend or family member you will get sick of my stories, my humor, my experiences and what I would call “useless knowledge”. I have not changed much since I was a kid, I just learned to contain it….but when it comes out….it is like a freaking tornado hit without warning in the middle of the night. That is the only way I know how to love. I give things away, I send people home with things out of my house that I think they would like or want. I can sit and talk for hours….about everything and about nothing. I will make you 3 meals a day and two snacks to make sure you are eating ok…and I will insist on you staying the night if it is too late and I think you may get sleepy while driving. I am not good with birthdays or anniversaries…and I suck at buying presents…The only thing I have to give is me. And if you are in the Leslie Beery friends and family plan…you will get too much at some point in your life. Sorry ahead of time or for past annoyances. It is me. That is how I am. In the past three months I have not been a good friend or family at all…I cannot think straight about what to do or what day it is most of the time. I focus on what is at the end of my fingers…because my mind is still numb with shock. I have truly believed all my life that I never operate at my full potential. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff most of the time, waiting to fly. But, stuck, not able to take that first leap. So many things I want to do, and feel I am excellent at….but I keep them inside and not really sure why. My son died three months ago and has now left me wondering what to do. The jobs and things I was doing prior to his death…do not really seem to matter much. I was a gerbil, on a wheel, in a cage. That is not a life. How would I want to be remembered? If you came to Fred’s memorial service….he was remembered for his love and humor by hundreds of people that packed Park Hill United Methodist. Who would go to mine? What would they say? Good riddens? God I hope not, but you just absolutely never know do you? I hope the important people in my life can remember me for giving what I can, when I have it, even if I shouldn’t give it away….not just material items, but my love, my time, my heart. Falling in love with people is fun, friends and family…over and over. Re-connecting and enjoying the company of each other while a spark goes off inside because you are so happy. Love is great, isn’t it? So what about when you fall out of love? It is a chore to sit and talk to someone, or you dread the phone calls, the letters, the showing up at the door? The friendship or relationship is not about going both ways anymore…it is a damn pain in the ass that you try to avoid at all cost. This is the sour side of love and the part of a friendship that has gone south for one reason or another. Maybe I just get tired of people too quickly? I figure out they are not genuine early on and frankly want to just move on away from it. Maybe being a friend to some people is just too damn difficult. I think that is what it is. Too difficult. So, going back to looking in my mirror a few days ago…..what is it I need to do differently? Maybe just stick with some of it and see where it goes….not purposely destroy a relationship….but leave it alone and let it happen or not…on it’s own. Today I am going to look in it and ask how I can be a better friend and family member. Shed off all the layers of not being able to trust, not showing my true self, not wanting people too close….what can I give of myself that I was not giving in my relationships? More of myself? More of an effort to understand? More of an effort to reciprocate where once I would not? I think so. What is the harm in giving of myself at this point? Nothing can hurt me beyond what I have been hurt already. I cannot imagine any greater pain than what we feel at this time. Chris and I are risk takers. We risked everything on three different businesses, moving to Wiggins, and completely changing our lives. So then why is it so hard to risk an interpersonal relationship with one person sometimes? Why is it so hard to talk to some people? Why are some people so absolutely drawn inward and obviously disgusted when they see certain people. Why is the risk of “people” so much harder…… I can only imagine it to be pain. Pain is horrible inside. Believe me, I know. The pain that I feel inside has to get out, it cannot stay or I will not survive this. If there are people walking this earth with anywhere near or beyond the pain I am feeling….(which I know there are)…I wished last night, driving home from Denver that they can find peace somewhere, with someone, or something, and somehow. Pain inside makes you do things, say things, and act certain ways. I see it now and I feel it now. A person that I once thought was a raging bitch or asshole…I understand some of it now and just wish I could help. Yea right. Dream on, right! All I can do is try to make myself better and annoy the hell out of all my friends and family. Which is one of those things I am excellent at!