July 28, 2010 at 6:42 am

There will be a time when all of the pieces will fit together and we will understand the reason for the pain. For now, I have no intention to say goodbye. This past weekend I had a horrible break down in front of a group of people. I push myself too hard and try to suppress what I am feeling and keep it inside, then it all just comes out when I do not even expect it. I pretty much knew everyone present which helped, but as soon as the tears started flowing I felt extreme embarassment and selfishness. Birthdays suck, anniversaries suck, holidays in general suck, even when it is not Fred’s and I should be happy for someone else. We had a group come in for a birthday party at the bar. I know them, and was so happy to see them and was happy to see them having fun. Grant and I were working the bar, I was going back and forth between music and helping Grant. It was busy enough that I could pretty much keep my mind busy. But that is not how this works. My mind works separate sometimes, taking over and filling me full of memories and thoughts I cannot control. I sat up on the stage, 4 songs left for the night, let the people who were singing know that they would get their songs in…and then I looked over at my computer. This is the computer that Fred and I built together. From nothing. I sat and thought about all the laughs and fun we had doing stuff like that and all the time he spent with me, just being my friend. I thought about Fred the weekend before he died, sitting there on that stage, playing music and copying his favorite songs onto the computer. We played snooker all night, talked, had a couple beers, talked more and just had an amazing time. That was a great weekend, both nights Fred hanging out with me at work and then Sunday spending the day together for Easter. Then Monday came and my son took his life. No warning, no sign, nothing. Not one thing to make any of us stop and think that Fred was contemplating giving up. Not one thing to make any of us feel the need to save his life. First the phone call, then the suicide note, then hours of working with police to find him and waiting for word. Then the phone call, the confirmation of all of our worst fears, worst nightmares, and the beginning of an incredible pain inside me that has never stopped. Minutes seemed like hours, my mind could not grasp what the hell was happening. I became numb, in shock, and my heart broke into a million pieces. The pain, the shock, the numbness, all of it….it does not go away. Standing there watching my husband receive the word that our son was dead and watching him fall apart stays with me. The feeling inside me at that same moment, comes at times without warning. The helplessness, guilt, sadness, desperation, loneliness all never leave. The world moves in slow motion now, people talk in slow motion and things happen in slow motion. Maybe so I don’t miss anything this time, maybe so I can pick up on subtleties. Either way, I find myself stopping, in the middle of things…giving up. I don’t find the joy in things or the importance without my son. Grant is working at the bar to make some money, so he can move to Chicago. When I heard this I froze. He wants to be in Chicago by October and I cannot help but feel I am losing another child. It is hard to explain how important he is to this family without falling apart. Fred’s kids, Sophia and Vivian need to know him. Tracey, Sarah, Chris and I need Grant. But Grant wants to go, probably for many reasons, and we cannot hold him back for our own needs. Grant was talking about getting a Delorian and having a flux capacitor installed and I thought if we really could, I would go back to April 3rd. That was the last day that I had it all. I would stay there, I would stop time and just stay there. I would fix what was broken and I would never let go of Freddie’s hand. What the hell is a Mom supposed to do. A piece of me is gone, the brightest light has been broken. Us girls in the family would just watch Fred and fall in love over and over. And then we would watch Fred and Grant together, doing twin things without even realizing they did and being so funny and so loving to everyone. But we all have just held those two, separately and together in a special place in our family since they were born. I cannot say enough that Fred was huge in our lives, all of our lives. Huge. There is a spark inside me, I have felt it and seen. A spark to grow from this experience and never forget. Sometimes it feels like Fred’s bright light is trying to shine inside me but I won’t let it because I am too scared. My son loved me, I know this is true. I sit here and just know that my son loved me and would have never taken his life if he could understand the pain involved and how much it would hurt all of us. I see my children cry for Fred and cry for missing him, and it breaks my heart. I try to be strong but I am not strong. I am landlocked, in Colorado but feel like a ship lost at sea.