July 8, 2010 at 5:24 am
There comes a moment in the midst of all this uncertainty when you look straight ahead and ask yourself, “What’s it going to be?” Am I going to remain, or am I going to go forward? It is easier to have clear thoughts with cool weather. When it rains overnight, anything seems possible. Casey’s sister Sarah came to visit yesterday with her new baby and her Mom. Holding the baby, talking and laughing with Peggy and Sarah sparked a feeling of aliveness in me. Babies have a way of bringing a peacefulness and reminding us of our own tiny beginnings in life. But back to that moment, the one where we need to decide. Forward or backwards. I think I had the beginnings of that moment, yesterday morning. I was in my kitchen, leaning against the counter and staring at the wall above the refrigerator. I realized at that moment the worth of everything I do, for work, for our business, for my kids, for my husband and for our grandkids. I caught on to the fact that there are things unfinished and neglected that if I do not start getting back to what is necessary, the damage will be catastrophic. Bills, taxes, and licenses. School, family, and life. Loving, teaching and growing. It was probably less than one minute in time, staring at that wall, but the feeling of obligation, duty and downright disgust in myself – felt like hours. I quickly cleared my mind and went back to pouring over the sympathy cards and letters. I bring them out to the table frequently. Each one, I carefully open and read. Each one I give the same attention to and think of the person who sent it. There are a lot of cards, so this usually takes several hours…which I follow up by reading the guest book from the service, the program from the service and all the printouts from the online guest book. I look at his pictures that I tucked inside the book, remembering each day that the camera recorded. I read the death certificate, police report, mortuary receipts and outline for the viewing and cremation. By this time I am so far gone in my pain there is no reaching me. I look at the ceiling fan he installed with his dad, and the kitchen floor he helped lay. The playhouse for the girls he put together, the couch he fell asleep on numerous times. His bedroom, his clothes, his things. His pictures, his books, and every school paper he brought home, report card, greeting card he gave me and award he won. All of this is neatly organized and scattered throughout the house….there is not a step I take that is not a combination of memory, pain and one heavy step forward. As unhealthy as it may seem, my ritual, it is necessary for me. I believe we all grieve differently and some want to forget but I just want to remember. I was distracted while writing this, by two tiny yellow birds on the sidewalk. Distracting enough that I just had to watch them. The sun was up and it was yet another day. Another day that I survived….survived not only my daily self destruction, but also awoke to another day to “remember”. Is this somehow a beginning? Can such a tragic end and devastating loss have anything good beyond it? Is my mind so wrapped up in pain that I cannot see what is in front of me? And for how long? And to what result? Are these irreparable damages? When can I live……….when will I let myself live again?