Blame and guilt play a huge role in my life today.  In the past week I have convinced myself that my son hated me and that I am to blame for his suicide.  Reading this as I type it I know how ridiculous it sounds.  My head knows it is wrong, but my broken heart feeds on it…to fuel a misery.
Another suicide in my community on Sunday, another young life lost.  Another family left with questions, blame, guilt, and the hardest journey of their lives ahead of them.
Yesterday while my granddaughters were napping my husband and I had a good conversation.  But really come to think of it, there were not many words exchanged.  I had a meltdown, told him of my feelings of blame, and he comforted me in his strong and loving way.  I find it extremely important for him to know exactly where I am at in my grief, what my feelings are.  Him knowing might help him to understand why I act the way I do sometimes.
Our children are gifts.  Given to us to love, nurture, protect, and guide on the path they choose for themselves.  When this is cut short, suddenly, without any inclination that there is a problem…we are left feeling as failures.  Being a mother has been my most important job through my entire life, the one thing that I put all my passion and effort into.  I brought four of the most amazing people into this world and my husband and I consider each one not only our child, but our friends.
Wings of great potential can be cut in many ways.  Depression, destructive behaviors, rudeness, gossiping, hatred, racism, cruelty, etc..  If you are victim to any of this, or if you are the one laying out the pain, you are part of a dangerous cycle.  I can put myself in a few of these categories, not giving the person in front of me what they needed.  Not using each moment as great potential to further my space in life.  We are all part of this cycle, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.
This is hard work, life.  And even harder is relationships, but we need relationships to survive, even at a basic level.  We had to communicate and tell our parents we were hungry when we were babies, this was our first relationship….and it grows from there.  We need to belong, we have self-esteem and self- actualization needs, and we create our “self” within our relationships with others.  Everyone of us has a choice before we open our mouth.  Do we say it or not?  Everyone of us has a choice of what we say and the tone in which we say it.  Am I going to be a complete asshole or compassionate?
We learn from our parents, we learn from our friends, and we even learn from the outside world around us in non verbal ways.  We create our own self appraisal, grabbing from each of the outside elements and adding what we think of ourselves.  The thoughts of ourselves is a sliding scale that moves as we learn and as we experience new things.  People’s opinions, people’s values, and our own perspective are measurements on this scale.  And yes, we add to everyone else’s scale that we come into contact with.
Are you an upper?  A downer?  Or a complete vulture?
So, if you are up for it, play along with me.  Put yourself to the test.
Stop yourself in interaction.  Are you a positive force, raising the self-esteem of those around you?  Are you a negative force, talking down each person that you either are jealous of or different from?  Do you really think the world would work if everyone had the same beliefs, same thoughts, same actions as you?  Wouldn’t you get a little bored staring yourself in the face everyday? What does your face look like while you are talking?  What is your body language?  Do you listen, or do you multi-task never really hearing what is being said?  What would you do if no one wanted to talk to you? Do you think your own depression, in any form, can be helped or soothed by some actual positive interaction?
I believe the world works together in many ways.  Everything influences everything else.
So, I am not outwardly blaming everyone for everyone’s suicide. I am saying we all have a role in the well-being of each other.  Even that person at the DMV counter that you were rude to last week.
I am not saying that we have blood on our hands.
I am saying that we all have responsibility and accountability.  We all play a role, big or small.  We all have great potential to make one hell of a difference on this earth.