June 21, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Our kids change our lives forever when they come into this world, no one will dispute that. But when they leave this world, the word “Change” cannot even begin to describe what it does to you. I still search for a purpose each day, reasons to go on. As everyone says, I have my kids, my grandkids, my husband, my family. Those are all reasons and yes they do keep me breathing. If you have survived someone taking their own life in your family I think you may understand where I come from. A healthy, outwardly happy, successful, smart, funny, beautiful, child of mine – gone in an instant without warning, clue, reason. Not a car accident or an illness but my son’s decision to end his life one night alone in his new house after a long day at work and evening of talking over plans and dreams with his new manager at his new job. Previously in the day I had talked with Fred, and thanked him for such a great Easter the day before, and told him I love him. All I want is the chance to save him, I just want him home and safe with us. I want to understand and just hold my son. At the mortuary during the viewing, Chris’ mom touched Fred’s shoulder and told me not to touch him, he was cold. I sat there and stared at him on the table, I wanted him to wake up and tell me it was going to be ok. But it is not going to be ok ever again. Nothing is the same. Fathers Day yesterday, Fred would have been here early and stayed late. We would have celebrated himself being a father and he would have celebrated Chris being his Dad. That is how Fred is. Chris and Fred probably would have already played a lot of golf since April and since they both had more time. This has hurt us to the core as a family, not only emotionally but physically and financially. I know that everyone affected by Fred’s death has also experienced loss of productivity at work, loss of focus and maybe just plain questioning where to go from here. Life events continue to happen, things that Fred should be present at….but he is not. Sarah is engaged and Fred did not even get to meet Victor. Tracey is having a baby in August and Fred should be a part of that baby’s life. There is a family reunion this weekend and I will feel incomplete without him there. My daily conversations, check ins, jokes, or just the I love you from Fred…I don’t have that anymore. I just finished reading my 6th book about suicide. I have one more but I really do not think I can read it anytime soon. They all primarily say the same things, it is the most devastating for the Mom and statistically the mother takes it the hardest while all the family is also devastated. Most of the examples with interviews and info from the parents gave clues to an unhappy life with different problems including some of the kids still living at home. I have yet to read an example that is even close to our situation and comforting in any way. These parents in these books have one emotion that they feel called “relief”. They are relieved that it is over in so many ways because the child was difficult and unhappy which in turn made many of their families unhappy. I cannot relate to this at all in anyway. So to hell with those books. I have some ideas of things to do for the future. Some include writing, others include just going and finding a regular 9-5 job outside of the business. I still get pretty overwhelmed thinking about it all and trying to catch up with regular life and paperwork. Taking it slow and not overloading myself is probably the best thing right now anyway. Chris went back to work full time so he is gone longer hours, which makes for a long day anyway. I have plenty to do but when I find myself distracted and pacing, thinking about Fred – it is not helpful knowing that I won’t see Chris. So, I just try to get as much done in one day that I can without overdoing it. Sometimes that is not much and others day it is quite a lot. Today I have a bright light at the end, I will go and watch Grant play hockey at DU tonight…Hopeful that he will score and win all in one night. Maybe on thusday I will go and watch him play kickball again too…. Two Step by Dave Matthews is one of the songs I had playing at the memorial service for Fred. It has a lot of meaning, not only did it have meaning to Fred but it has particular meaning to DMB. I listened to it earlier this morning and managed to make it half way through without crying. That is progress.