June 29, 2010 at 5:30 pm
I feel him slipping each day. Slipping away from my life and my mind at times. When I realize it, I try and realign back to where I think I should be. I registered Sophia for preschool today and went and visited the school. Watching both Vivian and Sophia inside the school, watching the other kids and looking around was priceless. Still not sure if they will go here, it is a huge decision for everyone involved. Each night I cry until I finally go to sleep. Not just for missing Fred, but for a missed life and a huge hole in everyone’s life because he is gone. Vivian is the one that asks the most about “Where is my daddy?” while Soph tells stories about Daddy and Daddy’s house. The hardest part of that is that the stories are in the present, as if Fred was right in the next room. I cry for all of us. I cry for whatever it was that made him choose death over life. Whatever it was, must have been tragic in his own eyes and unbearable. This was a person that was full of life, full of ideas and things he wanted to do. I remember three or four years ago when he was living here, transitioning from Golden to Greeley, and what an absolute fun time we all had. Fred was the one that brightened us and gave us all advice and showed us through his own life how things could be done. We didn’t see as much of him for a while, after he got married and had kids. Mostly on holidays or when we had special dinners. I still talked to him everyday though. Then at the end we saw a lot of him and the girls. And I knew of a lot if not all of what was bothering him. I am pretty confident in saying that I knew all of it. So, how do I deal with that in my head? How do I get beyond it and live without remaining stuck in his pain? Why couldn’t I have foreseen this? If anyone knew Fred it was Chris and I. He would get overwhelmed or frustrated and say fuck it. Heard it many of times over the past 24 years. I would have never guessed that fuck it meant checking out permanently. The past 3 years of his life were hard for him. The 5 of us knew that but especially Chris and I. What do I do with all of that also. The past three years changed our son in so many ways and lead up to this. Why couldn’t I have stopped it? What could I have done? And then the warning signs, that I did not know were warning signs, but now I know and can look back and see where it was evident. It is hard to lose a kid to becoming an adult, then getting married, then having their own kids…..but to lose them forever in every aspect possible is the worst. To lose your child has to be the hardest pain for a parent, and to know that they were lost to their own hand, adds to the pile of messed up feelings. These are feelings that are all thrown around inside of us and surface at any given time without warning. It is utterly maddening how my mind is not mine anymore, it has been taken over by this grief. I do tremendously ok when the girls are here. They keep me extremely busy and give me hope for a future. They give me a connection to Fred that is unspoken. It is just there. I need to be busy but when I sit here by myself I just sit, like I am in total shock. I have done 100 projects around the house and am lost as to what to do next. We went to a family reunion this past weekend and it was difficult for me. I had two instances where I fell into a panic attack and really did not know what to do. Fred should have been there with his family. Nothing is right anymore and things just don’t make any sense. The world is swirls of clouds and smoke, blocking my view and confusing my senses. Who am I anymore? What am I supposed to do? What is the purpose?