May 12, 2010 at 1:36 am

The benefit is over and was wonderful, we cancelled the meals coming in with plans of getting back to cooking, Chris is working, Mother’s Day came and went, and the foggy blur in my head comes and goes now. I think I am better than I was two weeks ago in some aspects but worse in others. I still am not sleeping or eating correctly and I have horrible moments that sometimes are only minutes apart and last all day and then other times are several minutes apart and only sneak up five or ten times a day. I wrestle with the idea of just pretending that he is at home and I will see him in a couple days but then I get a wave of reality that just takes me over and I fall apart. Lately a picture in my head has been Fred in his little red plaid pants, he must have been two years old, and his gray jacket…chasing the geese at City Park by our house in Denver. I think of all different stages of his life and how each one was so much fun for Chris and I, even the “difficult” ones that all teenagers go through. At times Chris and I would just have to go into the kitchen because we were going to bust out laughing but we were trying to be somewhat serious and consistent. We always compared what the kids were going through with things we had experienced as kids ourselves and I think we made fair, logical choices in reactions before approaching each event with all of them. Our parenting has been something that Chris and I have been so proud of ourselves…. over any job or other thing we did. Nothing compares to it. I am not sure if I am in denial still or what, but I feel like I cannot handle the pain of this at times so I just try to do that trick in my mind, of him still being here, for some relief. I don’t mean I walk around talking about Fred in the present and telling people he will be here any minute, I just try to tell myself that he is still here and I will see him in a little while. We were at a store the other night with Tracey and Casey and we were all looking at baby clothes, for their new baby but not buying, just looking at the cute stuff. Well, we were at the back of the store and I could not see the doors/exit. I started to get very upset about the boy baby clothes and then had a panic attack and had to get out of the store. Tracey came out with me after a minute but then Chris and Casey came out and it got really quiet and the ride back to Wiggins from Greeley was pretty much silent. I feel like my own family has backed off from me, maybe I am acting differently now, but it scares the hell out of me. I feel very lonely and very shamed as a mother. The books I am reading are right about not feeling the same. We can be walking somewhere or driving to something and I just feel like I am not in the right world, not my world. Even at the benefit it felt like I was dreaming and walking around someone else’s benefit, not something for us because our son died. Now I just have a ton of paperwork, etc to do that I look at and wonder why it has to be so important in comparison to what else I have in my head. I have had Thank You cards for two weeks and have started to fill them out at least 50 different times, and only actually completed two cards to send out. I have people’s dishes that I need to return, have not done it. Just seems like I have absolutely no interest in doing anything whatsoever. I get pretty worked up about it sometimes and make myself sick to my stomach I cry so hard, which usually passes after a day or so. I still get weak pretty easy, feel like a wave of extreme tiredness come over my whole body starting at my head then I just have to go lay down. Then I lay down and cannot go to sleep really but instead stare at the wall and think some more. Going places is hard, I am trying that and making myself go at times just so I can get over that really quick. Hiding in a hole will not help, I know, so sometimes when I am trying to talk myself out of going somewhere and making excuses in my head I just tell Chris I will go with him and make myself do it. For the most part that has turned out ok, not really great but ok. Fred was a 24 year old man. I was proud of him and told him that and so did his Dad. We could not ask for better kids, they are all just great people. For Fred to have been in this much pain and so sad to end his life something must have gone terribly wrong. It is something that he did not even share with his twin brother, Grant and something that solidified a decision that has completely changed the lives in this family, not externally, but internally. We went out to dinner, again with Tracey and Casey, the same night of the store incident but we sat across from a large table with several children and parents. Obviously they were all family and the table was loud and the kids were pretty excited, which I totally can understand. The kids were all under 7 or 8, various ages, and cute. One boy caught my eye, and Tracey’s. He seemed to be the attention at the table and Mom was right there telling him constantly to sit, or eat, or don’t talk or answer you dad and then it escalated in less than one second to the Mom yanking his arm, him crying and saying “I don’t want a swat”. Well, that made me start crying. It really really really upset me. I had been watching what was going on and maybe I missed something but I thought the kid was just standing there, next to his Mom watching the balloons on his table. Maybe part of that is just being emotional from what is happening with me but I could not help but think to walk out there after her and plead with her to appreciate what she has and be nice. I have always seen different parenting from ours over the years but never really latched on and thought I needed to say something, probably afraid of getting punched. But I know how great it feels to have the confidence that you were a good parent and did the right things…………and now I know the pain of losing one of children and not being able to fix it. It is a pain no Mother should ever in their life have to go through. This pain is nothing I can explain to anyone. Not just the emotional hurt of it but also the physical hurt from it. I hate to see a Mother not appreciate what she has been given and not give her children wings to grow. So, if you start seeing me show up to stuff with black eyes or a broken nose you will know, I just could not shut up anymore about it.