May 14, 2010 at 6:18 pm

The thought of rebuilding and finding a new way to live scared the hell out of me but I find it necessary. I do not want to live the rest of my life miserable or stuck in the past holding on to memories of Fred in an unhealthy way. Today was a usual counseling session and I found myself trying to eat up time with anything, even though it was not really a huge “bother” or issue to me. I just wanted to get through it and get out of there. I enjoy the family sessions but NOT the sessions where it is just Chris and I. It feels like we ran out of things to talk about and I don’t want to continually rehash what was said at previous appointments. I told her today that I need to figure this out and figure out how I am going to go forward. I tried to explain how important this is to me and how I need to wrestle my way out of the “stuckness”. This grief is a lot like fear but magnified at a level beyond anything I have ever felt. The emotion and pangs in my stomach are similar to what you feel when you cannot find your kid at Elitches or when you need to make a speech or go to an interview that you are very apprehensive, nervous and scared for. Take those feelings and multiply them by 300% and add sprinkles of devastation, anger, and exhaustion — and that is how it feels. So then moving away from sadness about the loss of my son and turning it into a new beginning is equally scarey. Sometimes I just laugh at the thought, thinking I am not strong enough, not smart enough or putting a guilt trip on myself for thinking that I can steal happy moments. I do not want to forget Fred, nor do I want to erase him from my life. I am still considering myself the mother of 4 kids, one of whom we lost tragically. I want memories of Fred to be with me all day, everyday. Just not memories of his last moments of life, not visuals of my son taking his own life and in enormous pain. I want all of my memories to be available and accessible at will — and for me to be able to use them, refer to them and scan them for comfort and not for torturing myself into a day of misery. Today I baked bread. Something I have not done since Fred died, but something I enjoy. The house smells of fresh bread and I have my appetite back which is nice. My sleeping is better but I need to make sure I do not fall into the opposite of where I was and sleep too much. There are times when thinking and focusing becomes hard and it is easier to just say I am going to lay down because I am exhausted rather than deal with it. I also want to make sure my appetite does not take over and I emotional eat rather than eat healthy. So, things are touchy right now. I have myself under a microscope so I do not swing from one extreme to another. I have been trying to figure out where I go now. I was not working, had the girls living here and had opened up myself and my time to the family. Now, I go back to regular Grandma visits when they can me arranged and and empty house with no one that needs my attention or care. I had stopped my career and ran our businesses up till three or four years ago when I got a counseling job to help addicts. There were things that were rewarding but also things about it that I know now I could never go back to doing it. Mostly safety issues with some of the clients/patients. So with that out and a lifelong career that I wont go back to either I need to figure out what to do. My plan after finishing school was to focus on my writing and submit more for publishing while working on bigger projects. Now I do not even know if I want to go back to school. Everything has been thrown up in the air and has not landed yet. I am looking forward to Sunday, planting day and cooking some burgers and having some beers with those that show up. It will be fun to have people over and have a focus on what to do. The weather should be nice and hopefully the wind does not blow. I am resolved to not being able to understand what was going through my son’s head or why. I do not think I will ever stop questioning it or looking for an answer where ever I think I may find it, but I am ok with not understanding. I stop myself from calling him, thinking he is still available for conversation. These are split second mind tricks or mind blanks that make me think I am in a dream world. It was hard on Mother’s Day but I took it as 24 hours, 6 of those sleeping off and on, 18 hours left to tackle each minute as I could and steal away as many smiles and laughs as possible. I ached in my heart for my fourth child to be there, present, celebrating his mother and sharing his love and family with all of us. It was different without him. It was our first holiday as a family and it was definately different and at times we all got emotional about him not being there. I have not made any progress on my Thank You cards but it is on my list of things that I have to do to move forward. That and deciding where to go from here. It will happen, it has to. “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay