May 19, 2010 at 6:17 am
Things have started to quiet down at the house somewhat, Chris will go back to work in less than ten days, and I need to make decisions. I am still very vulnerable and not taking day to day stress very well, but hopefully that will change in time. I have been reading books and whatever I can find about healing after suicide, and after the death of a child. While reading I mostly cry and cannot believe I am reading what I am reading – I still have a hard time connecting that we have lost our son. Painful feelings while trying to go through grief surfaces many other feelings. One minute it can be anger while two minutes later it can be absolute hopelessness. This is when I feel most out of control, when my feelings take over and cloud any vision I had for a new life. Rebuilding is what we are all trying to do in this family, and we are all at different points in that process. My name has been Mom for the past 25+ years. There is pride associated with that name as well as deep memories, love and heartbreak. Mom’s wear a piece of their hearts on the shirts of each of their children. We are with them when they run around the playgrounds, play sports, take tests in school, make hard choices, fall down, get back up, cry, laugh, and grow into adults. It never goes away, our heart is forever present with each of them, we give up that piece of our heart when they are born. And for me now that one of my four is gone, that piece of my heart that Fred carried with him is also gone. Part of me died with Fred on April 5th, I am convinced of that. I take myself through memories and events before his death and wonder what I could have done for him, but I also wonder if he knew how much I love him. Does anyone ever really know how much a mother can love her children? There are sacrifices that we make as parents for our kids, but Mom’s make unspoken and unseen sacrifices. It is something that you cannot even put a name to or explain to someone sitting in front of you. Your heart splits in two, your spirit grows through your child’s life, and your soul widens and deepens while it fills with admiration, love and pride. We fall in love with our children over and over, deeper and deeper. It is different from the romantic love we feel for our spouses/partners. Love for our kids is unexplainable to me. It is one of those things that is there and is never broken, even when your heart, while exposed on your child’s chest, is broken into bits. So that is where I am left, a piece of me, of my heart, my soul and my spirit is gone forever, dead. Incredible things happen in this world. People say amazing things to each other, do amazing things and beauty is all around us when we let ourselves see it. My Mom wrote to me..” There are two great days in a persons’ life . . . The day we are born and the day we discover why.”Have I discovered the why? Was I born to go through unbearable pain in my life and help someone else with similar pain? Or was I put here to suffer through pain, to show people what pain can do? Either way, whatever the reason for my life on this earth I have lived some of those incredible times and received some of those amazing words. I have endured pain, not only in the past 6 weeks, but throughout my life in many different facets. Pain is not new to me and the feelings of complete heartbreak have been heavy on my heart before. But nothing I have endured in my life can compare to my son taking his own life. Mother’s everywhere in this world protect their children to the best of their abilities. We have our “worst nightmare” thoughts of what could happen to our families and to our kids. Car accidents, kidnapping, breaking bones, someone being mean to them, drugs, alcohol, wrong crowd, etc….etc….etc….. Suicide never crossed my mind, in all of the 25+ years of being a mother. I never even thought for one moment that it could be a possibility for any of my children to consider, contemplate or an impulse to act on. I did not think it could be a possibility because I never even thought of it. Fred was genuinely happy for so long, for all of his life I thought. He loved, he smiled, he worked, he played— he did everything any of us do, he lived. His life was a part of me and he wore my heart on his chest with pride. I know Fred loved me, I know he respected me and was proud of me just as I love him, was so proud of him and respected him. So today is another new day, without him. The world is not right with him gone and I struggle to walk forward. I have the support of my family and of my friends, keeping negative at bay and staying positive for me – while I try and figure this out in my head and in what is left of my heart.