May 23, 2010

It is exhausting trying to put up that front that you are ok. Making sure that things you say and do are somewhat upbeat and not overly sad or bothersome. So many things are connected in my life that I did not notice or realize before Fred passed away. My awareness is sharpened to notice details that before this nightmare happened were just swept aside and overlooked. I think many times all of us live our lives in a bubble and forget about the bigger picture and bigger world. Each place I have been and each person I have come into contact in my life, good or bad, is a connection. I guess I think I about people and places from the past once in a while and wonder what they are doing but never act on it and find out. That is where I have made a big mistake in my life. Not keeping certain connections alive, the ones that meant something to me and were positive. Instead I talk myself into this revolving thought of the connection does not want to stay alive from the other side, so I do nothing. Fred was good at keeping connections alive. He was friends with everyone he came into contact with, instant friends and could pick up a friendship or relationship at any time with people. Fred believed in the genuine good of people and often reminded me of that, many times. I know this is something that his Dad and I taught him and all of the kids early on in life. Unfortunately as his teacher, I forgot sometimes and let the negativity of others “connect” to me and affect my outlook on life. How do I get back to where I need to be? Watching Fred’s daughters play and talk and sing, I see that same innocence and love that their daddy had. Our connection with our granddaughters is so important and so needed. It would be another tragedy if it was lost or broken in some way. The birds are so loud in the mornings, starting around 3:00 am or 4:00 am they just start chirping, ready to start the day. I try to sleep longer but just wake up over and over until I just give up and get out of bed and listen to them. Today I made my tea and sat outside and listened to them, wondering why in the world they start up so early, and while it is still dark. I can’t sleep much anyway and sounds just drive me crazy anymore, waking me up instantly and then never being able to fall back asleep. My dreams about Fred are usually sweet and full of memories then turn tragic, waking me. I find myself on the porch, in the middle of the night or early early in the morning trying to figure out the dream, if I had one, or wondering what the hell to do with myself. I decided to not go to counseling anymore. I would like to see the kids still go but I no longer want to. I am no longer comfortable with sharing my thoughts with the counselor. I start the day sometimes feeling like I can connect with the world again. It seems so possible and necessary, then I get overcome with the feeling of “what does it matter” or “why even try”. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I cannot imagine a greater pain and never want anyone to go through this but at the same time I wish I could find someone that feels exactly as I do and has gone through the exact same thing I am going through. But even if I did find that connection, what would I do with it. Not sure. It still is helping having people around but I know I am not very pleasant to be around, or any fun. I am pretty convinced that this has ruined me for awhile if not forever in certain aspects. That is probably ok but will take some getting used to. The biggest things on my mind are filling time, maybe finding a job or finding a new project of some kind — something to keep myself busy and using skills I know I have….so I don’t lose them and so I don’t fall into a deep depression. So, filling my time is on my mind and so is finding some hope somewhere. Hope is one of those things that works with connections and free will. I guess without it we all would be pretty depressing to be around. So, figuring out what that hope is inside myself is important, if not critical at this time. Hopelessness is painful along with grieving for my son…if I am even grieving. My mind still plays tricks on me. Having the girls here sometimes just gives me the feeling that Fred is still in Denver working and will be here any minute to stay the weekend. I sometimes stop and worry about packing up the house and getting him moved….or helping him find a preschool. I have to snap back to reality and remind myself that he is not coming. Then I just fall apart and have to excuse myself and try to get it back together. Maybe this is my mind trying to protect me from the whole entire feeling all at once. Sophia has grown taller in two weeks and continues to become more beautiful even when you think she couldn‘t, Vivian continues to change and exhibit traits of Fred as a baby. It is hard, knowing he is not going to see this and share in it and grow himself. This is where I find myself swirling down the drain, missing him and aching for him to be here. That seems to be my only connection right now. The connection to pain and memory with no idea what to do. Connections that I want to honor and remember my son and not move forward because I feel like it would be disrespectful. I guess I am just a mess inside. Ugh.