May 28, 2010 at 5:18 am
The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one minute to the next. Jennifer Burdette spelled out the word courage with the magnets that were on my refrigerator one day when she was here and I looked at it over and over until I finally took the magnets down. Courage is something I really never thought I had in me, I pretty much felt like a coward in most situations, especially emotional ones. Stone faced approach to business, friends, and the outside world kept me from getting hurt in the outside circle and kept my bitch label shiny and new. Building that rock wall doesn’t take courage though. It is a cowardice act on my part, an act that kept my courage hiding in my shoes and protected my heart from breakage. If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a kind word of encouragement, or attempts to understand a lonely person, extraordinary things begin to happen. I know this because we felt it from April 6th to around May 23rd. Those are also the days that my courage started to emerge. At first it was confusion, disbelief and pain that overwhelmed me. But it also took a little bit of courage to sit up, stand up and generally just have my eyes open and take care of arrangements. It took courage to open the door, answer the phone, go to counseling, talk to family, go to the memorial service, and to basically realize what was going on. Well, courage is exhausting. I am currently putting my courage away and just letting things happen as they may. What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. I don’t want to move on, plain and simple. Fred took his life less than 2 months ago. 6 weeks will turn into 12 weeks, then 29 weeks, then one year, then 2 years…..5 years, 10 years. But Fred will always be 24 years old. I will continue to age and everyone will change in appearance but Fred will not, he will not continue to grow and change. I just want to stop time, or even go back if I could. If I can’t save him I just want to stop right now and not change anything or anyone. How do you begin to deal with this and accept it as it is and try to move along with that? I don’t know the answer, I don’t really think anyone really knows the answer to that. I would imagine that people that survive through something like this compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings. Kind of like dresser drawers in your head, labeled, opening and closing continuously with that one drawer full of pain that really never gets opened unless it is late at night and you are all alone……..or god forbid, the drawer falls open unexpectedly and spills all over the floor. But really for the most part, people who successfully work through this pain probably are not as successful at it as they look. I am caught in between two tragedies in my life, trying to figure out how to move from both at the same time and not knowing where one leaves off and the other begins. My father has been given time. Time to reflect and remember the pain and heartbreak he caused. Time to sort through all the feelings and emotions he has collected over the years. In this “time”, he will sort through the collection — and sort out the innocence he stole and the mess of broken promises he stuffed in the bottom of his baggage. Visions of faces and events will startle him awake at night, and rob him of his peace. Nightmares will transfer to his mind while healing begins for those who have been tortured. His sentence of a few years of punishment behind bars will never erase the life sentence he put on me or his other victims. But the “time” for him will make him face his wrong, I hope. So while I have tried to begin healing from one lifelong tragedy, my son took his life and I am thrown into this current tragedy. It doesn’t make sense, someone that I dreamed about dying and having out of my life gets to live, someone bad to the core, lives on and breathes……….while someone so good like Fred is gone. Someone so precious to me, so positive in my life and someone I loved so much — it makes no sense. So my courage is tucked away…………or was it ever courage that really emerged? Maybe it was just the burning desire to be loved.
Jebbi Maguire Love you Leslie.
May 28, 2010 at 5:25 am
Shannon Wells It was, definately, courage. You’re loved whether you want to be or not.
You’ve been very strong; just remember that if you begin to compartmentalize your feelings, it’s best to rummage through the “pain” drawer once in a while so that it doesn’t go forgotten until it’s overflowing- yanno, just facing one tiny piece of pain at a time. It usually sucks a lot, it’s like organizing a junk drawer; not sure where anything really goes and sucks to shuffle through and clean up but after, at least, you know what’s still in there.
Not sure if any of that made any sense..
…Love you!
May 28, 2010 at 6:10 am
Tonya S Richardson sending a hug to you….
May 28, 2010 at 6:11 am
Jill Leinen Olsen Because your father doesn’t deserve to be in heaven. Fred is an angel now hand picked by God!  He is the sun shining down on you and the wind that blows through your hair, the tulip in your garden, he is around you and he is everywhere.  Your father deserves to sit and suffer from nightmares and think over and over again about what he did to his victims, he doesn’t deserve to be sitting next to God. He deserves exactly what he got which is justice.  I am so sorry you are going through this..
May 28, 2010 at 6:14 am
Ellen Trichka Love you Leslie
May 28, 2010 at 9:02 am
Terry Kozak Leslie, one of the things I most respect about you is that you don’t play games, you’re just you. Feel whatever you feel, act any way you wish, say whatever you wish to say, there is only one person you need to be true to and that is yourself. As the years pass before my eyes, I appreciate the fact that there are powers much greater than myself and all I have to do is live. One of the things I have always tried to share with people is we must never lose faith in ourselves. I wish you blessings in your life. You are a good person.
May 28, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Tami Walker Leslie, I believe you have the beginning of a book.  It’s obvious you’re a talented writer, and I think it would be very helpful to express the emotions you’re feeling in that way.  My deepest sympathy.  You are an inspiration, and many more people love you than you realize.
May 29, 2010 at 3:29 am
Leslie Trichka Beery I do not feel inspiring at all, exactly the opposite actually.  But thank you Tami for your kind words.  It does help to write, not really to be understood but more for me to understand. If that really makes any sense.  I am losing the fight here, pretty much overwhelmed and feel like I should give up.  I have missed you and your daughter — I hope you are both doing well.
June 2, 2010 at 3:39 am
Tami Walker I have written so many emotions out through music or poetry…but I don’t have your talent. You should really keep writing until you can’t write any more.  And it was never for me…it was just to get it outside of myself.  And I miss you too. Do not even consider surrender…write until you can’t find one more word.
June 2, 2010 at 4:28 pm