May 29, 2010 at 2:36 am
What is life without you? Dark and cold at times, mostly fuzzy and blurry with moments of intense awareness that grows tiresome and sends me back around to dark and cold. My first real experience with death, that is the death of someone so close to me. You are/were a part of me, I gave you life. When I was pregnant with you I could not wait to see your little face and hold you. You and your brother came into this world on March 31st, 1986 and you took your life April 5th, 2010. How could you take the life that I so carefully gave to you? How could you leave us like this? How could you leave your two daughters without their daddy who they love so much? I know you saw their faces light up every time you were near. I know you saw my face light up when you were close to me, and my voice lift when you called. How could you leave your brother? How could you leave Grant? I cannot understand, nor can I find any answers to these questions. I search in the darkness, in the middle of the nights for comfort, for you, for anything that will give me peace or reason. By the time the sun rises each morning, I have nothing but a larger hole in my heart and a deeper well that I am sinking into. Things that I once enjoyed, I no longer enjoy. I cannot even listen to music, it is too painful. The last weekend you were alive and helping me at the pool hall, you put music on my computer on the stage. Fun music. You also played all your favorites and ran the music on Friday night, running back and forth while you and I played Snooker all night. I still have the play list of what you played that night, all favorites of mine as well. Music is so powerful, so absolutely full of emotion, if you allow it. The song you stood in the kitchen and told me to listen to….because it was “your life” as you put it…was that a sign to me that you were going to take your life? I have read through the lyrics over and over, trying to decide if you were trying to tell me. I know you were dreaming with a broken heart Fred, we all knew it. Fred we thought you were ok and excited to get settled in Denver. What the hell happened son? I was trying to help you as much as I knew how to without over stepping or being too “motherly.” I really wanted you to just live here while you decided what to do, no rent, no daycare cost – just help us buy diapers and food like you were doing and save your money. What did I do wrong Fred? What did I not give you? What did I miss? What the hell am I supposed to do now son? All of your pain that you hid so well, I am carrying it. I will carry it with me for the rest of my life and wonder. You changed me Fred, in your life as well as in your death. I will never be the same, ever. I should have worked last night at the pool hall, it is my job, it is our business. Your dad has to leave for work in Denver at 4:30 this morning and got home at 1:00am. I did not go in and relieve him, it is impossibly hard for me to be there, to be just about anywhere outside of this house. I haven’t been able to do any bookwork or paperwork and I took an incomplete in one of my classes at the end of the semester. I am falling apart, piece by piece. I can feel it everyday. Your dad and sisters and brother have so much going on and are doing relatively well, able to work and live pretty much as they were but with heavy hearts. I know Tracey has very bad times, missing you and not understanding. She wants you to come home just as much as I do. My feet will not move sometimes even though my head is trying to tell them to. I just wait. and wait, and wait. I look at the door, watch the clock, wait for your car, check my email, look at your clothes and things, read cards and letters, and wait. I cry and have very bad moments, days. But I try my hardest to keep those to the middle of the night, so Chris won’t see. People ask what is wrong…I just feel like screaming that my son just committed suicide, what do you think is wrong. I can’t get over this like they do, I am not moving along like them. So is something wrong with me now? I investigated the way you took your life. If you were in pain, how long it took, where you got the supplies and how you put it all together. I have been ready to go and buy it all and do the same thing. It would not take long, in the measurement of time, to gather it up – maybe 45 minutes. Then would take less than five minutes to take my life as you took yours. When I am walking around the well I have dug for myself, looking in, I know that is not an option and I have four other people that need me. But, when I am in the well, looking up, I am ready. Your pain is so clear to me sometimes, and so heavy to carry. Your pain along with all of my pain is a load that is too heavy to pick up. So I just sit, and wait, and wait and wonder what to do. Is that what you did too Fred? Were you inside a hole, looking up, not thinking about the others around you that love you? Were you in so much pain that you just wanted it to stop? What was your frame of mind when you bought the stuff, when did you buy it, how long had you planned this or was it a plan before April 5th at all? What happened Fred, between morning to night when I talked to you. You had so many things that you loved that were left unfinished, a clue that this was a last minute decision and not a plan at all. Did I do something wrong Fred? Did I not give you something that you needed or wanted? You were a beautiful baby Fred, a beautiful child. You grew into a beautiful man that I was proud of. I talked of you constantly. You were so dear to my heart, because you gave me part of your heart, everyday. Please come home.