May 3, 2010 at 6:30 am
Things have not gotten any easier, but I really didn’t think they would. I have lost 28 pounds since April 6th and I am still not sleeping right. Chris said he will get something over the counter to help with my sleep but eating is kind of an off and on thing. It all still feels like I am on another planet or in another world where I do not belong. I try and stop time in my head but life for everyone keeps going on. I get grouchy mostly when I am overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts of what I should be doing. Sarah put all of her stuff in Storage last week and I am unsure what she is going to do at this point. She probably doesn’t know either. Grant, Tracey, Sarah and Casey are going to come to the counseling tonight and we will see how our first family session goes. I am ok with going to the family sessions but I feel like I do not want to go if it is just Chris and I anymore. When I am there it just feels like I am being told stuff I already have heard or already knew and sometimes being talked to like I am a 5 year old or worse yet, I am just talking to a wall. I worked on Friday of this past weekend, and only part of the night. Chris and I switched, he came home to be with the girls and I went in. As usual the problem started when I got there because I would not let an underage girl come in with the group she came with and within a half hour the whole bar was mad at me. I just wanted to go home. The hole that has been left in me and in my family will never be filled. My life is different now and I am looking at things differently and at people differently. People that I thought would be here for me and support me are not present and friends I never knew I had are around a lot. Comments and advice are today replaced with thinking about the silence from some. The ones I have not seen since April 6th. It just makes me think about how hard it would be for me, if someone’s son committed suicide. Something so tragic and unthinkable. What would I have done before April 6th and would I have been a good support system for those that I love? The pain is so deep and unbearable at times, I could only imagine now – what it is like – to not have this tragedy in my life and think about supporting someone that did. I consider myself a giving person and sensitive. I can only think that I would be supportive and helpful but I am not sure I would know what to say. My daughter was upset at a friend that did not come to the funeral but instead stayed home and took care of some personal things. I tried to explain that there are some people in this world that CANNOT go to funerals. Not because of location, physical ability, etc… But instead, funerals bringing up too many emotions that some people do not know how to handle. I can remember being young, in my 20’s and sitting at church, the same church where we had the service for Fred, and crying during the Sunday Sermon. At that time in my life I was one of those people that could not go to a funeral and keep it together. I lost my grandparents when I was younger and I think any funeral up to age 25 or 30 was additionally about grieving what I had lost prior and not just the person that had passed away at that time. So for some, going to Fred’s service was not an option. Because their pain is too great not only for missing Fred, and for our family but also inside…it is pain that scares them or pain they do not know what to do with. I think I have for the most part moved away from trying to hurt myself and am now just completely lost in what to do next most of the time. That can turn into hours upon hours of staring out the window or at a wall and thinking. It is not that I have this renewed feeling of wanting to live, it is more that I am so exhausted that I have somewhat given up inside. Chris told the counselor at the last meeting that I am not taking care of myself. Well, I don’t really have the energy to or the desire at this point. Putting on makeup is pointless since I cry all day. And putting on pajamas to sleep in is pointless because I don’t sleep for more than 30 min at a time anyway. I still have a hard time going anywhere. Memories, thoughts of Fred, wanting Fred with me, missing Fred, thinking of how bad everyone in the family is hurting without Fred…then it all turns into feeling like I am just awkward to be around now. I am the broken sad lady that no one knows what to say to and looks horrible. I know people feel bad for us and I know I am stuck in this unreal reality of a horrific thing……I just don’t fit anywhere. I go places and I don’t fit, or it seems extremely uncomfortable. It is so complex that it seems impossible and absolutely unrealistic for me to go on living without feeling guilty or questioning the situation around me. I keep thinking why did this have to happen. Why couldn’t Fred find that special someone in his life that adored him as much as his parents did. Why couldn’t Fred take one more minute and think of the people that do love him, the hundreds upon hundreds of people that knew him from baby years to adulthood and would do anything for him. Why Fred? Why wouldn’t you give us, your family the opportunity to help you through the rough time you were having? We all knew of your pain, you had explained your situation and let us read emails that proved what a hard time this was for you. I really thought you knew how hard we were all working to help you start this new beginning. We were excited and proud. We listened to all of your plans and interests surrounding your new job. We were excited about the classes you wanted to take on top of the college you already finished. I loved that you were back in the Denver area close to your brother because I knew how much you both missed each other when you two were not together and the thought of you two playing hockey together just absolutely excited me beyond words. I have so many unanswered questions as to why. I think I know the answers and I think I have figured things out as to why but I cannot understand how consumed you were while showing us that you were not. I still question if it was that you were totally consumed with pain or if someone did or said something to you and it was all last minute just give up. You forgot to bring your laundry that weekend, was that a sign that it was planned? I don’t think so because you had just ordered a power supply for a computer that work gave you for fifty bucks. You wanted to learn this new area and become an expert at it. You were excited at all your new opportunities. What happened Fred. Please, someway or somehow tell me what happened.