November 5, 2010

My head is not so foggy these days, most of the time I feel like I am thinking somewhat clearly. This weekend is the time of year to fall back, the end of daylight savings. Just hearing the words that we need to fall back sends me into daydreaming about actually falling back in time. I know it is not healthy to be stuck in the past or to make yourself miserable with memories and thoughts of times that are gone. But I just cannot help it sometimes. This grief has a head and mind of its own, it can really take over your body.

There is so much fear that I am left with these days. Fear that I have never experienced but find now that I tend to be pretty much scared of everything. I struggle with going places still, I struggle with work, concentration, and even day to day relationships. I am scared of the future. Plain and simple I do not want to live this life without my son. I am scared that his kids will eventually not want to come here. I am scared that they will not understand why they do. When I think of any of these things I try to quickly move it all out of my head because it is just too much to deal with right now.

Like right now, sitting by myself and being consumed with thoughts that will not go away…I often think about how I am a 5 time loser. I lost my son, I lost the 2 girls living here, I didn’t have a dad, and now I am left with what feels like a hollow shell for myself now. It is easy to just go through the motions everyday, smile when you need to, get the minimum done to stay out of hot water with those you live with….All at the same time, hollow. Not whole.

I know people do not understand. People do not know what to say. People avoid us, or mostly me probably. Well it is hard for me too. It is hard to see families that are whole, laughing and doing what families do. It is hard to see mother’s and son’s, it is hard to see young men that are about Fred’s age. It is hard to see his friends, his kids, his things in the house, his pictures. So, where some people do not know what to do or say, I equally do not know what to do.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming and I really do not want them to. These big family holidays without my son will be almost impossible to bear. I just stare into space and think of 24 years of wonderful with him and torture myself trying to figure out how I could have fixed his silent suffering. I didn’t know Fred. Please forgive me Fred for not knowing and not fixing it for you.

Grant is still living here at the house and working at the bar. I am not really sure how he is doing, I hope ok but we really do not talk much about Fred. I hope Chris is ok too, he and I usually only talk when I have a major meltdown. Tracey is really the one I talk to about everything and Sarah I am not really sure what she is going to end up doing.

So, for a life that is forever changed, if I had to sit and explain to someone…..I would say this is the most lonely time of my life I have ever experienced. Ever. People even in my own family have just moved on and can laugh and do exactly what their life was before. I just cannot seem to get it and at times I am angry at them, thinking Fred is not being respected or remembered. I know, you don’t have to tell me, I am wrong.

So, nothing has changed. I am still a mess and still searching in the dark.  I am having a hell of a time figuring out where to start pulling things together.