October 5, 2010

Today is six months without you in my life.  Today is the milestone that no one on this earth ever wants to achieve, six long months without their son.  I sat on the porch today, like every day, and had tea.  I looked at the empty chair across the table, I asked you to come and sit.  If anyone was to come on that porch this morning, they would have hauled me off.  I asked you questions, I told you stories, I tried to remember that joke you told me on Easter.  I cried and wanted to know why you left me, I sat silent and remembered your smell, your touch, your voice.  Today is like any other day, each having special and personal significance.  But today’s significance, full of haunting images, is one that cripples us….brings us to our knees.
If I had one more day, there would be so much to do and say to you.  You are missed by so many, and you are missing so much in this life that you should be present for.  As your mother I would spend my “one more day” convincing you that life is good, even in the bad times, it is all workable and full of love for you to find.  I would make you promise me, that you would never leave me.  I would hold your face and make sure you knew your family’s love for you.
I stared at that chair across from me for a very long time.  Remembering times that you and I sat on that porch and talked.  What the hell am I supposed to do now.  I found things you would like for Christmas, I want to talk to you about new technology and news, I want to talk politics, I want you to tell me how stupid my hair looks, I want you to trick me and give me crap, I want to find your face in the crowd.  Fred, I just want you to come home.